As we go through the journey of life, we are provided continuous opportunities of revisiting the past experiences to release whatever no longer serves us so that we can heal more completely from that experience.
Just recently, a couple of things happened in my life that brought up new awareness with big AHA moments. They came to me like the ocean waves, one after the other. Each one made me aware just enough to make sense of the connection with the one before it.
If I told you that I have been severely depressed since the publishing of my first book Your Key to the Akashic Records in February, would you believe it? I would not either. But I was. Only that I was not even aware of it.
It was the end of May when I needed to set the monthly goals for my business, I found myself incapable of engaging in that particular activity, like I was in a totally different world, like I could not care less about goals.
That was the first time I said to myself “Something is wrong with me. I think I am depressed…”
Seriously! How can I possibly be depressed after my book becoming international best-seller, receiving 5 stars reviews, and winning an award?
Pondering what was going on with me, I began to pay attention to my emotions in every moment throughout my days when I interacted with people as well as when I was alone. Very quickly I identified something that at the time I did not even want to accept that as my emotion because I was ashamed of it.
The thing that triggered my depression was the emotion that came from comparison. I had been depressed because neither I nor my business was doing well enough compared to other people.
To me, the belief that we need to compete with others in order to succeed is driven by non-integrated ego. How can I still have this belief when I have come so far working with myself on my personal growth?
How could I have not shaken off this pattern after being on my spiritual journey for a few years by now? I was ashamed to admit that deep down, unknowingly, I had been comparing with the successful level of others. I felt left behind and soaked myself in the sad depression mood without being aware of it.
I was also shocked that it took me 4 months to realize that I was depressed.
Looking back, I would joke that this is an occupational hazard because I have so many tools that I utilized to pick myself up all the time so even though I was depressed, I was also highly functioning during the whole time, well, until I could not set my monthly business goal.
Once I knew comparison with others was causing the depression, I went right into working on releasing it. I spent time in my Akashic Records, set the intention of releasing the need to compare and compete while I use my voice to tone for releasing it from my body. I also tone for my body to feel the abundance without scarcity. I did it for a week and feel better. Oh good, something is working, I thought I got to the root cause of my depression. It is the need to compare, right?
Soon after I felt better, my Akashic Records then suggested that it would be helpful for me to think about the emotions when I was first taught to compare in life and focus on releasing that feeling.
I protested “Are you kidding me? It was my whole life. Comparing and competing was the culture I grew up in.” My Records “Just think about when you were a child, what was the experience when you were taught to compete for the very first time” I sat back down feeling like a balloon leaking air after being punch a hole and said “I honestly can’t remember.”
The fact that I could not remember the experience bothered me. Why can’t I remember anything? When did I start to have memory as a child? UGH, it bothered me so much I kept thinking about the part that I do remember when I was a child.
Anyhow, there was something that caught my attention. I remember very vaguely that something happened during the time when we moved from rural countryside to the city and changed school. The image of me walking home alone from a new school through a farmland kept popping up.
Hmm, why was I walking by myself without my brother and sister? I could not remember what was going on.
My sister who is two and a half years older has much better memory so I bet she would remember something. I texted her and asked her what happened back then.
Shortly after, she texted me back from New Zealand and said “You don’t remember? You failed the admission test of the private school in the city where our new home was. You had to go to a local public school while our brother and I got into the private school. You failed the test miserably because you could not even read the questions, let alone answer them. You took the test again one semester later and passed it the second time so you finally joined us in the private school.”
Immediately, fear and anxiety swirled up with the memory of me staring at the admission test filled with lines after lines of Chinese that I had no idea what they were. All those symbols were dancing and mocking me while I struggled to understand those questions but could not. I was 7 years old.
Why was this experience significant? Why did my Akashic Records want me to revisit it? I wondered.
I tried very hard to remember my feelings back then as a 7 year old who did not even understand the consequences of failing a test. What was I thinking after I failed the test?
The image of me wrapped myself around with the drape while sitting at the corner between the wall and the patio sliding door popped up.
What was I doing?
I was staring at the sky and wondering why I was with these people (my family of course) and who decided to send me here. I was thinking “Are they (my parents of course) going to throw me out to the street now that I failed the test?” Of course, my parents must have comforted me back then. I just could not remember any.
Somehow, since that experience, I learned that winning in the competition (yes, even with my own siblings) is my only survival kit in this world that I had yet to understand at that time. No one taught me that. I just picked that up from my own fears of being abandoned and thinking that I was not good enough.
Well, no wonder I could not remember that whole experience. I can feel now just from those flashbacks how scared I was for my future. No wonder my Akashic Records asked me to think about this!
Once I understood the relevance of that experience, I began to work on releasing the deep fear from my body and consciousness. Again, I spent time in my Akashic Records, set the intention to release the desperate fear while using my voice to tone to release it from my body. I also tone for my body to feel safe.
I observed noticeable relief from my depression every day. I can feel that I was stepping out of depression a week later. As I continue to work on releasing this, I felt a fog has been lifted from my head and I regained clarity 3 weeks later.
What a gift it is to be able to heal more completely from something that happened 46 years ago. Who knew?
This reminded me that healing through layer after layer is really necessary for emotional wounds that hurt deeply. Most of time we are not even aware of this hurt because we had chosen to block it out and shield us from heart aches that we desperately wanted it to go away.
My willingness to work through and heal from this layer of scars opened up waves of realization and aha moments that came after it which propelled me forward to yet another series of deeper healing and breakthroughs.
By sharing my own story with you, I hope you remember to be kind and gentle with yourself when you find yourself working through layers of healing on your journey. They are not pleasant but if you listen to the prompting of your soul, you are opening yourself for beautiful transformation and profound experiences.
Love and Blessings,
Jiayuh Chyan
Author of Your Key to the Akashic Records